Any way the wind blows

Paradox?

2011-11-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

This just came upon me. Out of nowhere I found myself writing.

Paradox?

And when evening meanders through the streets
And twilight deceives the glass shielded eye.
The era comes forward with imitation warmth
Speak to me of greens and reds and golds
All shades of winter’s colour
Tell me your truth where you meet the hard earth
And humble it in your presence.

Our synthetic lives bear no resemblance to the prophet
When did our clothes nurse us through the night?
When did our feet feel the cold and harsh dust?
Or the mire of yesterday’s burst?

That I was birthed in times of comfort
That I came forth knowing no poverty
That I sleep in deep covers
Praise be to the evolution we inspire

As evening meanders through the streets
And winters cold lulls nature to sleep
My lullaby remains in the modernity of England
And the knowing that many know a different winter
Tell me your truth where you meet the desert
Humble me in your poverty and need
Our era the same, the experience not.

Woodland Walk

2011-11-11T15:11:00.000-08:00

Once a week we take Harry the dog to the park for a woodland walk. Other walks consist of speed for exercise but the woodland walk is always my partner Pat and I strolling while Harry gets a good run around. As the year has progressed we’ve watched the walk change colour. As summer has turned to autumn the leaves have been falling. Gold and browns of different shades laying all around. That wonderful sound of crackling leaves under foot confirms that the seasons have turned and the year is growing old.
How many autumns have I experienced? Why was today so different?
As Harry jogged ahead, my eyes took in a new colour on the ground. Pat noticed it too and said “Sham, have you noticed? Look at the ground. Red leaves! Isn’t it beautiful?”
I verbally agreed in some kind of drab fashion but I was already absorbed in it. The path and surrounding area was so strikingly majestic and yet the feeling it imposed on me was not one of cold dignified alienation but one of such an embracing warmth that I won’t deny I considered scooping up an armful to take home.
Autumn can be such a heavy time when surrounded by the end of the annual glow of summer and trees become bare and enfolded in an invisible solitude. The dying of the beauty we adored in the warm hazy months of the mid-year can easily bring to the heart a desire to die with it, not in a physical sense but in the way we close ourselves in around the warmth of radiators and fires, making the outside world a mental wilderness during it’s time of re-energising.
Those red leaves connected to me. They told me of life. They reminded me that colour is superficial and unimportant and that autumn sings of a cycle. Nature is not dying, she is merely going to sleep, wrapping herself in her coat of brown and gold and red to recharge her batteries ready for the bursting forth of spring. The image is no different than one of me snuggling under the duvet to unwind, calming the events of the day and sleeping so that I’m ready for the day to come.
Although the ‘day’ of the year moves slower than my own cycle of re-energising, it is just as beautiful and peaceful and I viewed its peaceful enfolding today.
I can now look forward to the vigour of awakening on that woodland walk. The sudden burst of nature’s morning is only a sleep away.
What a wonderful world we live in, if only we paid more attention to the beauty in which we live.
My trust in the artistic stroke of the Divine Spirit is ever renewed.

Blessings

TRAINING FOR THE FUTURE

2011-10-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

When I was interviewed for Ministry training I was told I would be a different person by the time they had finished with me. Gosh! It sounded a bit scary!
Here I am, half way through the first semester and, having been scared to death of being in a college environment and my own ability, I have found a world that oozes the very subject I have adored for more than a quarter of a century. Here I am, a person that is so opposite to the me of twenty five years ago. Here I am, absorbing every moment of college and home life and learning to read myself in a way that most people would find totally frightening. Here I am! If this is me now, I’m intrigued to know what the person they will change me into will be like.
I don’t walk this path alone. I’ve been issued with a mentor to take all my personal problems and concerns to and I’ve been blessed with being issued with someone who I know I can trust and is calm and gentle enough to get through to me with balanced conversation. I’ve started the course at the same time as someone I have known for some time and get on well with. The other student also helped to organise me in the first few weeks when I was over-whelmed with the amount of information I was snowed under with, we make a great supportive duo.
There are many others in the complex system that know more about the vocation I have chosen than I yet do. These people are there, in contact but waiting. Ministry is a lonely and stressful career choice and I am aware of the path that lies ahead even though I’m aware I’m not experienced enough to really know how much it will burden my soul in the years to come. Now, is when I am being taught to unburden. The price of sanity lies with being able to turn to others and that’s something I’ve never been good at in the past, much to my cost.
Here I am, at the beginning of a new chapter in my life and so full that I wish I could scoop up everyone and everything I love into my arms and hold it tight. I feel like I’m finally doing something I love and learning to do something so very special .............. giving something back, helping, loving, supporting and dedicating myself to others. Even though I know I’ve failed so dreadfully at this in the past (although there have been wonderful times too). All my past hurts and failings have helped me learn how NOT to do things and now I’m learning how to do things well.
The wonders of life, of living, of being in a world where just making a miniscule difference seems worth it. Bring it on!!!

A New Path

2011-09-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

A dream opened my heart and bared my soul naked
The path commenced at my feet and disappeared to a far-off hill
My going forward suddenly blocked
He stood miles high, a face beyond view
I knew this stranger

“Why do you fear?” The voice deep and dominating
Conscious of the weight I felt within “I am so small”.
The voice was silent but my heart heard
“Is the seed less important than the flower?
Does the field mouse bow to the elephant?”

Birds flew from the depths of my being
My weight carried in their flight of freedom
My path cleared
With deep breath I placed a foot in front
Joy!

The smell of sweet grass in my nostrils
The path welcoming
I set my glance towards the hill
I will meet him again, but not this day.

Angels - the art of extinguishing demons

2011-08-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

How can anyone consider a rapist or murderer as an angel?

Surely, we are all moved to consider angels to be those who guide us through the bad things in life. Angels are supposed to be our saviours in time of need. Angels are told in stories to be messengers of God bringing news and tidings that will give us hope for the future. Angels are goodies ......... aren’t they?

If the suggestion of those we refer to as evil being angels makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, perhaps you should read Appreciating Angels: Sarah’s Story by Sally Asling. It was a book that has certainly changed my opinion regarding my own past and many, who have had difficult lives, may find it quite medicinal to read.

It’s a very bitter pill to swallow when there is a very ‘close to home’ feel to the situations portrayed in the book and the possibility that our own ghosts and those that cause us hurt, pain and suffering are handed a title that we hold in such high esteem. Even when the heart pulls us towards forgiveness for the sake of our own beliefs, some things can be too painful to release from the grasp of anger.

I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. This book has provided me with the understanding I was missing to unlock the chains of yesterday. I only bought it because it was cheap on Kindle and yet it has changed my life. I know I’m sounding a bit over the top but it really did make me consider my past differently, especially as I have only very recently pulled myself out of a sticky and painful time. I have come to terms with, not just recent problems but, more importantly, past ghosts that have overshadowed my life.

Over the last four of five months I’ve been clearing out emotional debris. We all have times when our personal circumstances seem to gather a lot of burdens that are hard to shed and before we managed to tackle the first one another has appeared. My most recent experience had been a constant build up over several years. With the burdens now lifted or at least become easier to accept, putting the pieces of life back into their rightful places takes a little time. While we go through the black parts of life we rarely appreciate what we’re gaining. Here, at the other end of the tunnel, I look back and see how the pieces of the puzzle all fitted together and recognise the importance of people who hurt me as part of the path that would lead me back into the sunshine.

I’m soon to begin intense training towards Ministry. I promise, there is no halo over my head, and I can assure there never will be. I would love to become the perfect Minister, level headed, full of wisdom and spiritual calm and nothing but love for all my fellow human beings no matter who or what they are, but it ain’t gonna happen. I can only hope to keep working at being that perfect Minister in the hope that I will get as close to perfection as humanly possible.

It’s always been so easy for me to talk to others, in a pastoral situation, with calm and understanding and be able to guide them towards other perspectives, but I have to admit that I have never been able to commit the same wisdom to my own problems. Being a very feeling person, I seem to absorb a lot and not know how to respond even when innocence is the conclusion. My past has led me to accept whatever accusation is thrown and lay silent hoping that life itself will be my proof, but has seldom been my retribution. Some choose to carry burdens of guilt and misery for their pain. Some choose to point fingers of anger or even hatred towards those involved with their hurt. Some choose to point the finger of blame and ignore their own importance in situations. Some do all of these and more. I have, innocently believed that, things will work themselves out for the better. I used to believe that patience was all that was required and often, painfully, waited for animosity to extinguish itself and peace reign supreme. I was waiting for the ‘goodie’ Angel to appear and make things right. How innocent am I?

It’s quite normal for us to want our lives to be full of sunshine and joy. Hurt, pain, heartache, grief and sadness are all the bits we’d rather avoid. Few of us are expert at handling the negative things that happen and even fewer are talented enough to recognise the need and reason for their occurrence. We can only ever reach for the stars, our feet will always remain on terra firma.

Socrates used to tell his students that he knew nothing and in knowing that was itself wisdom. In such a complicated world I can see the wisdom of his words.

Trying to understand how a loving God would send such heartache and pain in order for us to become the person we need to be is quite a big step. This is definitely a time to review what we expect, from The Divine, that we were never promised. This is time for us to work out what is reality and what are our own expectations blown into something called normality.

Life is a very painful path but pain is, very definitely, close to pleasure. As we walk along the paths of our lives we would be naive to really expect endless sunshine. The patterns of nature and the weather she subjects the land to, should be our lesson as to how our lives should be.

So as for the Angels in our lives. It’s not easy to accept but I have to agree that I would not be the person I am had it not been for the dreadful things that have happened in my life. Those I have long felt unable to come to terms with are, amazingly, the very people that pushed me towards being the person I am today. The process doesn’t end, every hurt has it’s reason and directs us towards a place where our experience is needed.

So I guess I have to accept that those who are called evil are the angels that are sent to mould us into the people we need to be in order to follow the road that awaits us. We may not like the analogy but something has to ensure that we are in the right place at the right time to be the people we need to be. Sometimes, we have to be in a dark place in order for us to be the salvation of another further down the path.

Divine Spirit,
Bless all those who mould our lives and our thinking.
Bless the gentle and the aggressive
Bless the lost and the found
Bless those who offend and those who are offended
Bring all your mystery and wonder to the table and let us feel life in total and not just in the ways of hope and imagination.

Amen.

Precious is the pain of the heart

2011-07-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite spiritual writers has to be Khalil Gibran. I have quite a selection of his works, some of which are so deep and intricate that I don’t understand the point he’s making but the vast majority truly speak to my spirituality. His most popular work, The Prophet, is, to me, a true manual of life. Anyone who hasn’t read his work, I would urge you to fill this gap in your being.

My own place of worship, New Chapel, Denton, has a bimonthly newsletter which is carefully and lovingly put together by one of the Chapel members. There is, more often than not, a selection of poetry in each issue and the latest edition has an entire centre piece dedicated to some wonderful works. Amongst the selection in the latest issue there is a piece by Khalil Gibran that I have not come across before. On reading it, yet again, as usually happens with his work, my spirit danced in agreement of his words. It is such a beautiful piece that I would like to share it with you.

A Tear and A Smile

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part turn into laughter.
I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding of life’s secrets and hidden things.
A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and to be a symbol of my glorification of the gods.
A tear to unite me with those of broken heart;
A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.
I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I live weary and despairing.

I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the depths of my spirit, for I have seen those who are satisfied the most wretched of people.
I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody.

With evening’s coming the flower folds her petals and sleeps, embracing her longing.
At morning’s approach she opens her lips to meet the sun’s kisses.

The life of a flower is longing and fulfilment.
A tear and a smile.

The waters of the sea become vapour and rise and come together and are cloud.
And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping to the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to return to the sea, its home.
The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting.
A tear and a smile.

And so does the spirit become separated from the greater spirit to move in the world of matter and pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow and the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death and return whence it came.
To the ocean of love and beauty – to God.

These are certainly words for the heart to hold in consideration when life deals its ration of pain and despondency, they are also words to hold close when our path is filled with joy, so that we remember how precious all the moments of our lives truly are.

Thank you to Keith Hinds for putting these words into print for me to read and absorb.

May the Divine unfold in our lives in all its forms and colours and may we learn to see our own moulding in every manifestation of life.

Broken and Grown

2011-05-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I felt like a broken woman but from the experience I’ve learnt a lot.

When we got our dog Harry, I was aware that we had taken on a lot of hard work. He had been mistreated and was bound to have been affected by his past experiences. We took on the responsibility knowing that there was no history or information on his life to use as a guide and that it was extremely important that we didn’t give up as we would then add to his problems. With all the good intentions in the world and a full love of animals we brought him home.

His first week with us was not the way we’d planned. Within 48 hours we had found out that his neutering was infected and that he should never have been released to us. We willingly paid for his treatment to correct the problem but was told that until his infection had been identified we should not introduce him to the cats. We knew the longer we went without them meeting the harder it would be but we wanted to protect all our animals and so we adhered.

Poor Harry spent the first 10 days with a bucket collar on. Not good for his street-cred LOL.

During those first 10 days, Harry began to show his personality. He had obviously not had any discipline or training and so behaved like an excited puppy even down to biting (not viciously) and bouncing over us and the furniture, and chewing everything in sight. He’s a powerful dog with his staffy make-up and with Pat’s disability, I have had to do most of the tugging and absorb most of the biting to try and bring him into line.

Once the bucket collar came off, I thought walks would tire him out so I started a regime of 4 walks a day of no less than 30 minutes. It didn’t help. I believed that God had sent him to us, not just to help him as the infection would have killed him but for him to teach me patience.

The best investment we made was paying for a dog trainer to come and meet Harry and help us to try and get some respect into him.

We’ve had him with us for nearly three weeks now but last night, I was tired, I was behind with writing my service for Sunday and I felt guilty that my lovely cats hadn’t been allowed to roam their own home as if they had done something wrong. I had spent the last 2.5 weeks looking on the bright side and that we would get there in the end but last night, I felt my will break. I felt I couldn’t handle any more and that I would have to break my own rules, do the very thing that I find disgusting in others and take him back. I couldn’t sleep for fear and worry of what he was doing or destroying. I couldn’t get on with anything in the house because he was so unruly. I had hit the bottom.

I got up this morning feeling dreadful, tearful and beaten. When Pat got up I told her I couldn’t take anymore and that I would be returning him back to Cheshire dogs home this afternoon. Problem was that I love him. The idea of letting go of him hurt as much as what we’d been going through and the idea that I’d be doing him damage by taking him back was like a knife.

Thank God we had invested in a dog trainer. A 30 minute phone-call with him early this afternoon laid all our problems to rest. I’m not saying that Harry is any better behaved now than he was this morning but the trainer put some more rules down and even suggested a crate to put him in as a doggie den to give us a rest.

I’ve put the new rules into effect and there is already a marked difference, however, much as I had always thought it cruel to put a dog in a crate, I have to say, not only has it given us time to breathe and let the cats back in the living room to socialise with us, but Harry actually seems to like the crate. The dog trainer did tell us this might be the case as dogs like somewhere they can think of as their own den.

There is no way I intend on sending him back now and both Pat and I are extremely grateful to our fantastic trainer for his support.

I have to say I have learnt so much from the experience of having Harry that I can now see how it’s possible to love someone or something so much but still feel that it would be better to part, and how much the idea of splitting up must hurt. I’m not presuming for a moment that I could ever know what divorce feels like or handing a child over to social services. I’m aware we’re talking about my relationship with a dog, but some experiences are sent in different clothing in order for understanding to be real towards the feelings of others.

I guess God really has sent Harry to us to work on us as much as we have to work on him. Who says things don’t happen for a reason. These lessons could never be learnt in a college.

Harry Tobias, we’ll get there boy 

New Addition

2011-05-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

People seem to find it shocking when I say that I trust an animal more than I would ever trust any human being. The statement seems to bring people to the conclusion that I don’t like people and that isn’t true. Human beings have a tendency for deceit, we all do it. Most, hopefully tell little lies, ones that don’t hurt anyone, but some tell some crackers. Whichever way you look at it, deceit is deceit but we often seem to find an excuse for its use. Animals don’t do deceit, no fibs or lies, they are straight forward in their attitude to people, other animals, any aspect of life. What you see is what you get.

I know that our cats will come to us when they want affection and trying to force it on them is usually tolerated but rarely appreciated. Our degu are only interested if we’re feeding them or giving them a new toy to play with. In both cases, the main thing that really makes the difference is that, despite their sometimes ignorant attitude to us, if another human being comes in the house, the degu hide and so do the cats. The message we get from their behaviour is that we are known, trusted and that they feel safe with us and that’s all I ask of them.

I think I’m probably a sucker for the underdog by way of concern for children and animals. Cruelty to either is just not acceptable. In all honesty cruelty to anyone or any living thing is unacceptable but in the case of children and animals they are so dependent that to abuse them is the lowest of actions and puts bacteria and amoeba in a higher rank of life than the offender.

What is it that brings this subject to mind? Recent events in our home have brought us a new addition.

My partner, Pat, has always been a dog person but she’s been won over with my love of cats and we’ve trundled along on the feline side for the duration of our 9 year relationship. Our dog, Tim, mainly lived with Pat’s parents and so my experience of our canine friends was a little vague. Tim died in 2006 at the age of 15 and although he and I were good friends (I used to play with him while the adults did the boring talking) we couldn’t have him live with us. It would have been cruel, in his old age, to have been taken away from the environment he’d always known and with both Pat and I working full time it just wasn’t an option.

Last year, while discussing my future ministry training I asked Pat if we could have a dog if I qualified. It didn’t take much for her to say yes. I haven’t even started my training yet but we’ve got the dog.

A couple of weeks ago, and without going into too much detail, a family member asked us if we would have their dog as they had ceased interest since the birth of their baby. We said yes, after all, that way we could be sure he’d go to a good home and he’s a lovely dog. We certainly weren’t expecting the ‘kick-off’ in the family that followed and we had to retract our offer in order to keep some kind of peace. When you’ve had your expectations built up and then deflated so suddenly it can make you change previously sound plans. A couple of times since, Pat has mentioned about us getting a dog, I think she was looking forward to having a canine friend around again. Sunday afternoon, just over a week ago, I asked her if she wanted to go and have a look at the dogs at the local dogs home.

Cheshire Dogs Home is smaller than I had expected but the tragedy of these innocent lives is frustrating to say the very least. Easily 95% of the dogs were Staff or Pitbull breed, which made me wonder if this meant that some people had decided it would be some kind of status symbol which they found also needed looking after and had changed their minds.

Pat fell in love with a beautiful white and tan chap, sitting quietly at the back of the pen. We had a walk round with him and he seemed to very much like us. This was when I was won over. He was so loving and affectionate that I couldn’t help but find myself wanting to take him home. The following day, we went back and adopted him.

These dogs come with little, if any, reliable history and so adopting one is a big responsibility because it means taking on possible problems and mental health issues which have been incurred during their lives. It has to be a decision to do as much as possible to ensure that you do not add to the animals problems and try and give them a stable and loving environment to recuperate from the past and have hope in the future.

Our new addition came to us with an infection which had not been picked up by the home and has displayed behaviours that certainly need checking. I can tell, for a while at least, he’s going to be hard work, but I can also see what a wonderful companion and friend he will make to both of us for seeing him through. We’ll all gain from the experience.

Harry is a cross between a whippet and a Staffordshire terrier. He’s a very strong dog and pulls my arm out of its socket taking him for a walk. The work starts here and that’s fine.

Humanity is truly the most aggressive and dangerous of all animals. If we didn’t cause so much suffering animal homes would not be required. I sadly see so many comparisons between how we treat animals and how we treat children and the comparisons are not always pleasant.

We all come from the same force of life. We are all part of the one divine entity. We are all from the same family and our common parent is God or whatever force you believe in.

Divine Spirit,
Grant us the patience and determination to live with all your creation in harmony and peace.
When our motivation begins to lumber, grant us the grace to ensure the marks we leave on this life are not those that scar the heart of another.
Amen.

Let the Youth lead our movement

2011-05-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve done it at last!

I’ve been leading worship for nearly 5 years and kept to the hymn sandwich used at every chapel I’ve been to. Opening words, hymn, prayer, reading, hymn etc, etc, etc. I’ve known that the younger generation have been crying out for something more spiritual, something that speaks to them but I’ve done as I was told and done what was expected of me by older congregations who see no reason to change what to them ‘has always worked’.

A couple of years ago I sat through worship prepared by young people and was completely mesmerised by the depth of their spirituality which spoke to my heart in ways Sunday worship rarely achieved. I could see clearer than ever how behind the times our chapels are. How do you get the young into our places of worship when their needs are so different from the older generations?

I’ve wanted to lead a new style of worship ever since those young people showed me how wonderful it could be. Today I did it. My guinea pigs were the wonderful congregation at Chorlton Chapel who are already used to involving all sorts of different things in their worship. Chorlton have long been doing what other chapels refuse to even attempt, they are a Minister’s dream come true and they provide the blue print to our spiritual future. I guess it was a little cowardly of me to make my first attempt at new worship at such an already open chapel but you have to start somewhere and I figured I’d get a much more constructive feedback from people used to doing new things.

There was no sermon/address, the old ‘Order of Service’ was thrown out. The congregation joined in with two prayers, four hymns (from our modern and upbeat purple hymn book ‘Sing your Faith’) and a discussion on Spiritual places and what speaks to our own spirituality. I felt wonderful afterwards and the congregation seemed to think I’d done well too which is what really matters.

If only I could find a way of introducing this style to the other chapels who are so afraid of change.

One of the Unitarian youth leaders is thinking of starting a completely new service for our younger people rather than them keep having to wait for their spirituality to matter at Sunday Worship. She asked me, among many others, for ideas and whether we would be able to help. I don’t know if she reads this blog but if she or one of the other youth leaders does, I’ve already said I’ll help but I’d like to add the following:-
‘Get it going girl, I’m hungry for it. This new style of worship is so much more fulfilling I don’t just want to be involved ......... I NEED TO BE INVOLVED’

To all church goers .............. young people can teach us a spirituality we never even dreamed of. Make them your leaders. We should be learning from them and not the other way round.

I think I’ve caught the bug and I don’t want to find the cure 

Annual Meetings 2011

2011-04-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

Going to the Annual General Assembly meetings is a major part of my year. Not only do I have the opportunity of helping to plan for the way forward in voting and opinion sharing, I also get to hear about new ideas for worship and the future of Unitarianism in all its forms.

There are various Societies and panels that exist within our movement which range from beliefs such as Christianity, Earth Spirit, Psychic and Universalist as well as those which carry the banner of our Social Justice side such as Women’s League, Peace Fellowship, International Association for Religious Freedom and loads of others. We’re a hard working bunch.

I usually attend the meetings as a delegate so have to attend the business meetings as well and as much as these are important, they can also be laborious and tiring. A lot of information has to be absorbed and there are always opinions which need to be aired. It’s still nice to be part of it.

Even though all the meetings and workshops are important and mostly enjoyable, these are only part of the reason for my attendance. The most important part and the part which I find most fulfilling is being with other Unitarians.

I always return from the meetings with a feeling best described ‘as if I’ve just swallowed a chill pill’. It’s so spiritually nourishing to be able to spend time with like minded people who have the same reverence and respect for worship and a love of humankind.

I should be able to find such nourishment at my own chapel but, as I’m sure other worship leaders will agree, there is always the hurdle of being the leader. On the rare Sundays when I’m not leading worship I try to attend another chapel just to be part of the congregation and have my batteries recharged. Perhaps it’s because such opportunities are so rare that I find the three days spent at the General Assembly meetings so refreshing.

At home, I used to be able to use our conservatory as a Peace Room and did find it helped in calming my spirit, but we’re going through a lot of work on the house at the moment and, once again, rubbish has been put in the conservatory and workmen with dirty boots seem to be passing in and out so much that its spiritual feel has been lost and once we’re all clear again I’ll need to get a friend to cleanse the room again to make it suitable for prayer. Perhaps I’m just a fussy beggar who hasn’t bothered to try and find a way round the hurdles of life. I’ve probably gone off at a tangent here ........ typical!

Whatever has been going on in my life around this time of year, I’ve always found the GA Meetings enjoyable and nourishing. Guess I’ll have to wait another year for that same flame of inspiration, or I could find a way to keep it burning in my day to day life. I think the latter sounds better, a year seems a long, long, long way away.

Smiles and blessings.

Don't label me!

2011-03-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

I guess it’s because Christianity is still considered to be the State Religion, that when you tell people you attend church or chapel you automatically gain the label of ‘Christian’. The expectation is that you believe in Jesus as the son of God, that all the stories in the Bible are considered to be truth and that you’ll quote from it at the earliest opportunity. People get wary of what they should or shouldn’t say in your presence and, the best one by far, apologise for their own lack of belief in the Hebrew/Christian scriptures.

To all this, I would like to say “I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE DOES OR DOESN’T BELIEVE”.

Sorry for shouting but sometimes you have to get these things off your chest.

Perhaps my denomination should stop calling their places of worship by titles usually associated with Christianity. Some call themselves Meeting Houses, this title then gives a Quakerish flavour to the imagination. Difficult to know how to solve the problem and in reality, why should we change how we refer to the buildings in which we communicate with our spirituality and whatever force of life we believe in. It isn’t really that long ago that Unitarianism was very much a purely Christian denomination and, therefore, the title we gain today was once a correct assumption.

21st century Unitarianism has embraced so much that the reference to Christianity is now an assumption that has more chance of being wrong than right. It is such an expectation that a religions movement should have creeds and doctrine which are believed and adhered to by all of its followers that trying to explain we are different is sometimes more difficult and complicated than I or anyone else has the ability to explain.

Only yesterday I shocked someone by telling them that we have atheist ministers. I could tell by the look on the man’s face that he couldn’t get his head round that one (quite amusing really).

Isn’t it somewhere near the truth to state that in a well educated society that we now are, more and more are questioning the religious doctrine they would have taken for granted only a few decades ago. There are so many contradictions in the Bible that a rational mind must surely notice unanswered gaps in the teachings laid in front of them.

Karen Armstrong wrote in her book “A case for God” how the homo sapiens of antiquity saw as much importance in mythos (myth) as they did logos (logical thinking). Trying to explain spirituality, the part of us that cannot be analysed, can best be communicated through mythos because it can provide scenarios on which we can reflect and make valuable decisions on meaning and what should be learnt. Myths were never meant to be believed as fact, which explains to me the first five books of the Torah (Old Testament).

Why humanity decided to wrap spirituality in a bunch of rules and present them forcefully to others, I’ll never know. To me, we all think we believe differently and yet those differences all point to the same thing. You can believe in evolution, Hebrew scripture, The Dao, Humanism, The Earth Spirits or any other faith or belief but we all want to learn how to live harmoniously with each other and the world in which we live, it’s just that we all have different ideas of how to achieve it. Differences of opinion provides for more ideas, more paths to consider and more chance of finding the right one .... this is the Unitarian way.

Don’t label me as a Christian! I’m not! Not that there is anything wrong in being Christian, my partner is one, but the assumption of my beliefs is unfair to me as a thinking, feeling human being.

We can’t call our buildings anything other than what they are and they tell of a history we’re quite proud of, but Unitarianism is far more complicated and far more beautiful than a set of creeds or doctrine would ever allow us to be.

Freedom, Reason and Tolerance ............ rock on baby!!!!

Automating People

2011-02-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

One evening, my partner and I were about to sit down for our evening meal when the phone rang. We have a rule that we do not answer the phone while we are eating so we allowed the call to transfer to the answer machine. The call was from British Gas, unfortunately it was an automated voice message regarding an appointment for our boiler check. Only the day before, my partner had received a similar call regarding a hospital appointment. Press this button if yes, press this button if no, confirm by pressing this button, it’s all so very impersonal.

Children are spending more and more time in the house in front of computer screens and games consoles. Their world is depleting into a world not far off from make-believe.

What has happened to the personal touch?

As someone who ministers to a congregation, human contact is a vital part of us learning how to live together. It’s how we show we care. By showing we care, others see or feel the advantage of caring for each other. By caring for each other we become more willing to sort out problems and disagreements when they occur. By being able to sort out problems we avoid arguments and become a closer community. One step closer to love and harmony.

In our communication with each other, we depend on other things like honesty, forgiveness, understanding but these are often projected in body language more than the words we say.

Every form of communication has become vital to the speed at which we now choose to live our lives. The telephone has become part of our everyday lives and keeps people in touch with each other when there is a distance between them. Of course, the telephone has the advantage of voice, that we can hear from someone’s tone the feeling behind their words.

Email, text, Social networking sites, MSN are all great forms of communication when used correctly.

A colleague recently suggested that pastoral care could be achieved using the internet. After my disagreement he was most ‘put out’. His insistence was down to providing pastoral care by email to someone who lived in another country. I don't deny that, if this person only had my colleague as a point of contact, the emails were probably very much appreciated and the contact helpful. This is not the perfect situation, it can never take the place of a human being’s presence and being able to read compassion and love in someone’s eyes.

That the written word can be so easily misconstrued makes the idea of trying to achieve friendships and other relationships via email a dangerous game and one I have recently found, to my cost, can be abused.

Have we reached the point where the technology we have at our fingertips to make our lives simpler is now being abused and taking the place of the kindly voice, the gentle eyes, the supportive embrace, the compassionate face of a human being.

There is little we can do to change the money saving automated phone-calls, much as I dislike them. Many computer capabilities, including webcams and emails do keep many families in touch with each other when there are thousands of miles that separate them. I can find a lot of good things about technology that I don’t want us to turn our backs on it at all. What I want is for us to remember the value of other human beings in our lives. That your presence in someone’s life has a value beyond anything the wizzkids can dream up. We learn so many skills from each other as well as gaining a spiritual nourishment and bonding when others are close to us. It’s why we are such social animals, we need each other.

At present, our children are destined to face adulthood where they won’t know how to behave with a real human being and will only know communication through the written word. Instead of imagination being bicycle rides and dens, it’ll be the aggressive fighting seen on their games console which they depend on to live out the imagination of others.

Remember the value of humanity.
We live together for good reason.

Suffering and Death

2010-10-29T05:01:00.000-07:00

It seems that lately there have been many friends, both within and outside the Unitarian movement that are currently either physically nursing or watching sick relatives or friends who are aware of their own mortality reaching its end. Such times in our lives fill us with fears for what is to come.

Watching someone you love suffering is a painful enough experience. Being the one who awaits their own end is often fearful, and the knowledge of leaving this life appears non-comprehensible. No words or actions can take those fears away, they are natural to our survival instinct. Very few can truly lay down their armour and fully accept the inevitable. Few of us are really that brave.

Death itself is a rebirth, a new beginning, a journey we are all destined to make. Our fear of it is based purely on lack of knowledge. We are a race that finds blackness and fear in the things we do not understand. No matter how long our race exists into the future, this riddle will never be solved, ‘what lies beyond?’

Many can relay stories of ‘being there’ at the final moments of loved ones who have taken the journey. Stories of how, those who have died, even in the most retched of agony, demonstrated a ‘peace’ which appeared to wash over them as they slipped away. These are the moments we should take notice of, for they are the only glimpse we are given of “the passage”.

Death must come. It is the eternal promise. For those who are left behind, the non acceptance of it is from Love. The sadness of death is our longing to keep the ones we love with us. While watching the suffering, which often comes before death, there is an urgency to ‘be there’ for them. All too often, the opportunity to ‘be there’ for someone is not given to us, which adds to the hurt of that person leaving our lives.

Surely this urgency, this need to ‘be there’ comes from our soul knowing that to feel love overcomes all. Being able to demonstrate with strength, laughter, tears or even silence that there is pure love for that person will make their soul rejoice even during the most painful of times.

It wouldn’t be right to imagine that in ‘not being there’ we have failed the ones we lose. The soul continues and will feel our love long after it has left the flesh, long into eternity. It is never too late to allow our hearts to speak to those who have departed.

The underlying factor of our hurts in life lay with the very thing we all seek ..... ‘love’. It is the most beautiful and the most painful of emotions and yet, without it, our race would shrivel into oblivion.

Do not be afraid to love. The ache of it is our proof of life. To accept it from others is truly a divine privilege, but to give it to others is testimony to our own divinity, giving us a worth that proclaims we are creatures of survival and we will uphold our race with an emotion that can truly conquer all.

By giving love, when our time comes to make the journey into the unknown, we will have generated enough food for our souls to make a safe and comfortable passage into the beyond.

It matters not whether we believe in God or gods or spiritual guides or nothing at all. The love we give will be returned to us in the end and, although the body is destined to fail at some point, our essence will remain.

FAMILY TIES

2010-10-07T00:40:00.000-07:00

So the Labour party now has a new leader in Ed Miliband. Irrespective of political views we’re all now in a position to make balanced decisions when voting because this major party can now display the direction in which it is now heading..... or so we hoped when the vote came in.

It was a shame that the media decided to put more of its attention on the relationship between Ed and brother David, who also ran for the leadership. Any message that Ed tried to put over as to Labours political direction was certainly heard but dully in comparison to the more prominent message of brotherly love .... or not.

It was a very brave step for both brothers to stand against each other in such an open and public forum. Obviously knowing from the start that one or other of them would fail in their bid, they showed enormous dignity in both the battle and the result. That is where the media should have left it, but news isn’t worth reading or hearing unless it has sensationalistic value and Ed’s priorities for the future of his party were dreadfully overshadowed by cameras and microphones homing in on every facial expression and every word uttered by his brother during the rest of the Labour conference. Whether or not it was the original intention for the defeated brother to step away from front line politics, both brothers must have felt frustrated at the menial and very intrusive gaze into their relationship.

Family rivalry did not have a place in the case of the Milibands’ but the media knows too well that blood being thicker than water can sometimes turn to blood being as dangerous as poison and they spoon fed us all the intoxicating liquor.

Family relationships have more difficulties than the poets would have us believe. It’s programmed into us that we MUST love our family, it seems to be an unquestioned rule that family love is unconditional and that it deserves our loyalty whatever the cost. Some are lucky enough to have such without difficulty. In all honesty, it isn’t automatic nor should it be viewed by anyone as a solid expectation. We don’t have to look far to see people around us who struggle to hold together those expectations which are drummed into us.

Certainly children have to depend on family ties in order to learn the social skills required in later life. It goes without saying that a child’s innocence is dependent on the actions of the adults around them, not only on a protective and nurturing level but also such things as conversations, arguments, tolerances and other everyday behaviours which lay the ground for how they will interact with others in adulthood. Once the child becomes an adult the learning process doesn’t stop, it begins to broaden as our lessons acquire more teachers and we begin to make our own decisions on which teacher provides the best information. Making those adult decisions can sometimes mean that the values taught to us as children are not the values we want to take forward. Obviously the case with the Miliband brothers or they wouldn’t have turned out so opposite in political viewpoints.

It’s at the stage of making our own decisions that, if we still lived as part of the greater animal kingdom, we would wave goodbye to our family and face the world as individuals. None of this ‘family ties’ business exists with our animal friends.

Having a close family must be wonderful and surely the envy of all who are not part of such a strong unit but the reality is that to remain within the strong childhood bonds is rare and that the urge to drift away is with more of us than we dare to admit, and stands against all that we’re taught.

Whatever the relationship away from the cameras of the Miliband brothers, we should view their struggle to ‘smile for the cameras’ as a failing on the part of our race to accept our natural desire to move on and be who we are.

Cherish all your relationships but never force a feeling that isn’t there. Be true to yourself.
GBWY (or whatever spirit rocks your boat)

R.I.P. Raoul Moat

2010-07-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

I know this is probably a very controversial subject at the moment but I’m tired of the lack of humanitarian understanding and forgiveness when extreme situations occur.

There are many, this morning, shouting “Thank God that bloody lunatic, Raoul Moat is dead!” or words to that effect.

Only last month there was the case of Derrick Bird who rampaged through quiet towns and villages in Cumbria, reports told us that there were 12 dead and 11 injured. I’d say the reports were slightly incorrect. Derrick Bird’s actions left 13 dead and 11 injured, for he himself lost his life even though he killed himself.

Thomas Hamilton, in 1996, devasted the town of Dunblane, when he opened fire in a school, killing 16 Children and 1 Adult and injuring 13 Children and 3 Adults. Yet again, the newspapers and television reports mentioned him killing himself as an additional extra instead of adding him to the sad loss total.

In Hungerford, in 1987, Michael Ryan shot and killed 16 people and yet his own life was omitted from the total to mourn for.

If we are ever going to learn about the true meanings of forgiveness, compassion and understanding we need to demonstrate it when atrocities affect us as a nation.

Raoul Moat, Derrick Bird, Thomas Hamilton and Michael Ryan were all human beings. What concerns me most is that they must have been at such a low point in their mental state, they must have given up so totally on their own lives and lost all ability to rationalise, that they were drawn to take such devastatingly painful action.

Anyone who has ever suffered from Depression will remember how isolating and soul destroying it can be. All the good intentions in the world, from friends and family, cannot penetrate the blackness and, whatever chemical deficiency that causes the dark abyss, totally takes over everything that happens in life.

Some years ago, I watched a documentary where celebrities were challenged to use Public Transport instead of their cars. A certain Nicholas Parsons was using the train to get to a meeting and his train came to a sudden standstill. With time ticking away waiting quite a while without any announcement of the reason for the hold-up, Mr Parsons was getting quite agitated. Finally came the announcement that someone had committed suicide further up the line and that was the reason for their delay. Mr Parsons announced to the camera “So I’m going to be late because some idiot has decided to throw himself infront of a train.” Shame on you Mr Parsons, Shame on you! The person you describe as an idiot had reached a point where there was no meaning to their life anymore and had been compelled by the dark abyss to terminate the suffering. Hitting the bottom of “the pool of hope” does not offer any rational thinking into the consequences of their actions, it doesn’t allow for the poor train driver’s suffering, the people on the train who are expecting to reach their destination, it takes over so completely that the action is done without a world existing beyond the darkness.

Every suicide should lay heavy on the hearts of humanity. We must have failed them terribly to allow such darkness, even when they have affected others and I’m afraid that also goes for those who take others with them.

As for Raoul Moat, I am aware that he had just been released from prison after serving time for assault but doesn’t this mean that somewhere back in time, something changed him from being a peace loving and caring person (which we are all born as) to someone who cannot communicate without violence?

My heart goes out to the families, friends and loved ones of all those who have suffered or lost their lives in shooting incidents, but I also offer prayers for the men who held the guns, for they too were part of the family of humanity, my family, and I’m regretful that our family did not notice their internal suffering and allowed them to become so desperate that drastic action was the only route they could find. Peace be on their souls.

Observing Extended Family

2010-06-24T13:34:00.001-07:00

Presiding over Rites of Passage ceremonies and services, you get to see the coming together of families. There is always the immediate family who hug, kiss and greet each other with familiarity and ease and then the larger extended family that shake hands and hug in a more resigned fashion, aware that they are present out of family duty.

After the ceremony, there is usually a “get-together” of some kind, whether it be a reception or wake, when there is time for everyone to socialise and catch-up with each other’s lives. All families appear to treat these opportunities in a similar way. Each family unit keeps to its own group sitting at the same table. It would seem that they consider themselves as part of the greater family by being in the same room but that is all. As if modern life doesn’t already create enough barriers to keeping family ties strong, people seem to unknowingly encourage the scattering and ultimate breakdown of the Extended Family.

Over the last 50 or 60 years, there have been some big changes in society that have challenged the loyalty of family life. Most of it shouldn’t make a difference, but sadly it does.

For a start, travel has become a modern way of life and even without the extreme of emigration, families no longer stay in the same areas. Career opportunities as well as social standing often lead sons and daughters to move length and breadth of the country meaning that previous close ties are loosened.

Despite changes in the law and medical understanding of homosexuality, bisexuality and trans-gender individuals, we are still living with the stigma which was taught to our parents and grand-parents of the evil and perversion of such people. This has often lead to families gently pushing out those who may cause embarrassment or discomfort to the rest of the family, (I know this one personally).

Finally, and probably the biggest change, is the modern desire to own our own homes, a family car and other modern consumerist items that we feel we need, which means that it’s not just Dad’s that go to work but Mum’s as well. This one is a double-edged sword because, despite the breakdown it has caused, it has also given women the opportunity to fulfil their own dreams and use their intelligence beyond household chores, making them much happier when they’re in the family home, but it has brought it’s loses to family life as well as communities as a whole. The woman of the home used to know everyone in the street, which gave a tribal feel to the area in which they lived. Children had the security of having their mother with them in their earliest years without the insecurity that must come from being passed backwards and forwards between parent and child-minder. Without the reliance on a family car, Mums were more willing to hop on the bus to visit local family (if they lived beyond walking distance) giving the opportunity for children to bond with relations and friends.

I guess, no blame can be laid on those who attend family “get-togethers” and keep themselves to their own distinctive unit. It feels safer and more secure being with people you know, where-as, even if the little grey haired fellow in the far corner is Great Uncle Harry, you’ve never met him, you know little about him so you’d feel uncomfortable about sitting with him. What if he didn’t even remember you existed? What if you had to sit there with him and neither of you knew what to say?

I may be generalising with all this, being a naturally sociable person myself I enjoy chatting to people I’ve never met before and hearing their stories, I know I’m not the only one so I guess there are still some of us who are willing to mingle and breakdown the little walls between family units (even though I can’t do it with my own family anymore), but my observations tell me that this is becoming a continuing theme that now runs through most extended families.

Perhaps we should feel grateful that there is still the sense of duty that brings the individual units into one place for the hatches, matches and dispatches of life. I can’t help feeling that something is being lost but we’re a complicated race and it’s difficult to make a positive decision on whether this seemingly new way of living is balanced out by the increase in our communication facilities. Perhaps ties will improve again once enough years have passed to ensure that even Great Uncle Harry is on email and that we know the entire extended family in type or text format making it all the more exciting when we meet on family occasions.

I wonder.

TIN OF PAINT (PART 1)

2010-06-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Surely every home has a junk room? What about making your life even more complicated and doubling up the junk room as an office? If I said that only 4 months ago, if you walked into the “office” in our house there would only be a clear way from the door to the desk, which is about 4ft. In the event of wanting to open the window, climbing boots and rope would be handy items to have. The cats loved it, there was enough paper, C.D.s and videos to play with and hide under that on rainy days when they didn’t want to go out, there was still the office in which to have an adventure.

The problem with a junk room, is that when you decide that “enough is enough” and want to smarten it up, there’s always the problem of where to put “the junk”. Every flat surface was already piled high and this was made worse by our mistake purchase.

Years ago, when Pat and I first moved in together, there were loads of relatives and friends who said they would come and see us and so we thought we were very “forward planning” in purchasing a Bed Settee. Guess what ....... not one of them turned up LOL. When we’ve moved house, the bed settee has always moved with us, heaven knows why we missed opportunities. That bed settee has only ever been used by the cats not only for them to sleep on but they took to trimming their claws on it too. It became an eye-saw and nuisance from almost as soon as we’d bought it. Too big and heavy to get rid of ourselves it became part of the “office pile-up” and had paperwork, books, more cds, videos, even photographs, an old record player and (the list is endless) anything which wasn’t already floating around the floor went on the settee. There was no complaint from the cats as this all added to the adventure playground.

The room was really an embarrassment. We’ve never decorated it since we’ve been here, which is now 5 years. Previously a nursery to the previous couple’s 2 year old son, it’s painted baby blue and has a boarder running round the centre of the walls with animals and baby words on it. Our Joshua (one of the younger cats) discovered that, if he stood on the back of the settee he could remove the baby boarder (obviously not to his taste) however he felt it needed the striped effect as he’s left a foot gap between each rip. Shouldn’t complain, he’s obviously been hinting it’s time we decorated.

This weekend, we finally got rid of the cumbersome item of furniture!

My God! I can get to the window! If I wanted to I could even do celebratory rollie-pollies round the floor! I immediately introduced the vacuum cleaner to the large area of carpet that hadn’t seen daylight for 5 years.

There now remains a book case, a filing cabinet and a cd rack and, of course, the desk, all of these items will be staying, but the room looks bare and empty in comparison to its previous state. This is when I get the urge to visit the local Wickes store and purchase the much needed tin of paint. Once the room is decorated we’ll furnish it properly and ensure that it doesn’t go back to its old state. This could be a lovely sunny room and I find it quite relaxing painting walls once I finally get started. Gotta buy that tin of paint! Watch this space .......

I WANT TO BE RITA!!!

2010-06-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

You know those Sunday afternoons when there’s nothing on the t.v. and so you wander over to your video collection and see if there’s anything you haven’t watched for ages. Yesterday, was one of those days. Feeling too lethargic to go out anywhere, and the weather was drizzling and unsettled, I wandered over to the Webster collection for something to watch that would lift my mood.

The film that “bounced” out at me was “Educating Rita”. Hadn’t watched that in years, so, in the DVD player it went. My expectations were that I would find Julie Walters character as amusing as I had the first time round and that my sympathies would be with both her and Michael Caine’s character Frank, but what I found was that my own life has changed somewhat and that the film meant something different to me this time round.

I’m presently waiting to apply for the Ministry. Although I already serve my chapel in a role which reflects a ministerial position, I am not trained and do not hold the level of knowledge with which a congregation are entitled to be lead by. This month is the month the application forms come out, apparently. Perhaps it was not a good idea watching the film I had chosen.

I better explain a bit of background here. I have no academic qualifications at all, in fact, I left school with 6 lousy CSEs which, now, aren’t worth the paper those results are printed on. Although I’ve held some pretty good working positions, they have always had to be worked hard for. I’ve been an Office Cashier (including Jaegar, Regent Street), Building Society/Bank Manager (depending on which point in time you’re considering), Store Manager, Mortgage Adviser (complete with stage 1 FPC passed first time) and an Analyst. Sadly, even my FPC is now worthless.

I didn’t get on with school at all, in fact, I hated it from the time I started (aged 5) to the time I walked out the school gates for the last time (aged 15). No, it wasn’t anything to do with “having a problem with authority or discipline” as my favourite teachers were the ones everyone else was afraid of, for some reason, but these were usually the best teachers, not only could they control the class, they also made sense in their explanations and I always did well in exams when they had been teaching me. Doing well, back then, wasn’t always a good thing. I did well in Maths under a very good teacher so I was put up a grade which meant joining another class with a different teacher who I did not understand, who wasn’t patient or willing to explain himself and so I never got any further. Are you catching my drift here?

So, my past, on an academic scale, is zilch.

In order for me to become a Minister I have to get a degree (no, not university, although that’s what I originally took for granted). I’ll be expected to study at my own denomination’s college (luckily it’s in Manchester) and my degree will be issued by Chester University (although how that works is beyond me). I’m officially middle-aged, and that I’ve got no academic background is scary to say the least, in fact, I had avoided ministry on that basis for the last couple of years.

Why am I doing it? I read a book which I bought for someone else as a joke, believe it or not, it was entitled “If not now, when?” It was aimed at the over 50’s and I purchased it as a gift for my partner for her 50th birthday. It was only the fact that she was already reading another book and, you know how it goes, you see a book sitting there idle, you start to thumb through a few pages, find yourself reading the odd paragraph and in the end I admit, I read it before my partner got her hands on it.

Although I’m much too young to be considered as the age group this book was aimed at (cough, cough), the book pointed me in the direction of “if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, then stop making excuses and do it before you end up regretting that you didn’t even try” (or at least that was the message I got). Without going into any more detail on the book (although, if it’s still available, I highly recommend it for those at the latter end of their working years and beyond. Author, Esther Rantzen), I knew that Ministry was what I really wanted because I wanted to serve the Unitarian community to the best of my ability on a worship level and I wanted to improve my academic record, both pointed to ministry.

Back to yesterday, I watched that film and I was Rita, accept, I don’t have her cheeky and sometimes bolshie characteristics. Education is one of the areas where I have very little confidence in my ability. Rita excels in the film, she becomes the person she wanted to be and even passes her exams with distinction. I ceased to be Rita when she started to understand the literature she was reading and found the film was scaring me into wondering “What the hell are you thinking of Shammy?”

I’ve got loads of different fears all rolling round my head now. What if I don’t even understand the questions let alone give a good enough answer? What if I am “thick” and that getting a degree is really a laughable dream? I’m unemployed (having been made redundant over a month ago) and have not looked for work (or claimed any benefit) because the dream was my aim. What if I’m using precious monetary resources on something that will never happen?

Sometimes I wish there was someone, a parent or relative, that I could call on to talk these things over with. My partner is so supportive that sometimes I wonder if she just tells me “You can do it” because she thinks she has to. Much as I love her for it, the fact that I feel like that tells me I need someone who hasn’t got a vested interested in my success. I even mistrust the opinions of my Unitarian friends as they too have an interest because the denomination is crying out for Ministers.
Times like these I wish I had parents or relatives with constructive views, someone I could go to who could talk things through with me.

I could, of course, read the book again, but I doubt it would hit the same chord second time around.

I want to be Rita, but is what I want realistic? That’s all I want to know. I guess I can either find out the scary way or not fill in the application form.

What was the message I got from Esther’s book? “if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, then stop making excuses and do it before you end up regretting that you didn’t even try”. I think I’m gonna have to repeat that into the mirror every morning until the application forms come out.

I WANT TO BE RITA!!!!

One thing at a time

2010-05-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

I’m one of those people who like to help everyone in that I keep saying “yes”. Up until a few weeks ago, I was doing a full time job of 37 hours not to mention trips to Edinburgh, writing services and preaching on a Sunday, studying for the Advanced part of my Worship Studies Course, trying to keep a house clean and tidy and supporting a disabled partner with the blues, not to mention various tasks I’d taken on from Chapel and various Unitarian committees. I love having plenty to do, being needed, and making a difference, so when there’s anything that needs doing that I believe is right, my hand is up and volunteering.

Was I really surprised when, a few months ago, my doctor signed me off from work; the reason on the sick-note given was “Burn out”. I was off from my full time job for 6 weeks. I kept on with everything else because most of it was to do with Chapel and I desperately needed to keep my spiritual side alive and kicking, a bit like a “comfort blanket”.

My situation has now changed somewhat as I was made redundant from my full time employment at the end of April, supposedly leaving me 37 hours free to do all the other things I’ve been doing in a more relaxed timescale but within days I was wondering how I ever managed to do a full time job because my days are still chock-a-block, although, I have to admit, I don’t feel like I’m chasing my own tail anymore.

Today, temptation stared me in the face again. Out of the blue, some weeks ago, I received an invite to the NSPCC Volunteer Conference. I’ve been donating to Childline for some time, as this has been the charity closest to my heart for at least 20 years. Childline is now part of the NSPCC but still runs under its original name. I went along hoping to find ways of continuing my support now that my financial position has changed, with no employment income.

I would never describe myself as particularly maternal but I cannot abide cruelty to Children or the idea that a child may not have anyone to turn to for help and has to suffer alone. There I sat today, being given statistics I already knew but suddenly, being spoken from someone else’s lips became more poignant, and scenarios that I wanted to repel and yet I knew how true they were and I sat there mentally thinking of what I could do to raise more money. I guess that was the whole point of the day, but I tend to take things as personal tasks and that’s where I go wrong every time.

I’m gonna be brave here and state, for everyone to see, that Childline would have changed my life immensely had it been around when I was a child and I will continue to support it for as long as me and they exist but I’ve got to sit back. I will find a way of still raising money or donating but I can’t do it in the big way I would like but I can make sure I bring it to peoples attention as often as possible. It takes just £4 to answer another call to Childline. If everyone donated this amount just once a year, we could ensure that all children had the support and guidance they may need desperately, and whether we like it or not, that could be the kids in our own families.

As for me, my partner now has to be at my side to knock me down to Earth and stop me taking on things that stretch me beyond reasonable ability. I don’t want to make myself ill again, but, I don’t want to let go of the things that matter. Guess I’ll have to learn to take one thing at a time and make the small things count. Does that sound like a solution to you?

Democracy vs. conscience

2010-05-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

It’s Election day, the day we, the public, go to our local polling station and vote for who we feel will run our country responsibly and reliably for the coming 4 to 5 years. Since I became old enough to vote, I’ve fully believed in the system we have here in the UK, and I’ve fulfilled my democratic right to vote with my own sense of responsibility and, to a certain extent, pride in being part of the system, but this day, this election, I am struggling with my choices. The Polling Stations are open but my conscience troubles me.

Following the Expenses Scandal, that hit the headlines a year ago and then the following programme regarding Lobbying, this Spring, my trust in our politicians has been crushed, totally.

It seems to me impossible or extremely naive for any MP who was not involved in the expenses scandal to say they didn’t know the system was being abused. This means that either way, my trust is gone.

I live in a constituency that has no Independent candidate, so how can I vote and keep a clear conscience?

Surely, the system was developed on the principle of who I “trust” our country’s future with? My right to vote was not given to me with “which thief would you prefer” in mind. Those who fought so hard to give us the right to make such important decisions on our future must be turning in their graves at the utter destruction of their dreams for democracy.

I’m left with a problem, if I don’t vote I have to live with that knowledge for at least 4 years and will not have the right to complain if things go “belly up”. If I do vote, I have no choice but to put my X against someone I don’t trust and that surely defeats the object of the whole exercise?

My conscience is in turmoil and yet the hours are ticking away. What will I do? Which course of action is truly right? I have to decide quickly and it’s not easy.
May God be with me in my final decision?

Waiting for a new life

2010-04-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

I've always believed it right to work for an honest living, ensuring that I deal with such work reliably and responsibly. To be able to pay my own way in life through honest hard work, I believe, brings a sense of self respect which is a vital human need, however, I now find myself at a point in my working life I never expected to be.

Over the last 29 years, since leaving school, I have been in continual full time employment apart from 3 months, when I was last made redundant and took the opportunity to move from London to Manchester. I obviously had to complete the move before I found another job. Now, I find myself facing another redundancy.
The thing that makes this so much different is my desire to enter the Ministry and serve my Chapel and Congregation.

I am unable to begin Ministry training until at least September 2011 and my current employment terminates at the end of April 2010, but I already do ministerial duties as Lay Person In Charge, a post I acquired earlier in the year.

Over the last few months, my heart hasn't been in the work I'm salaried to do and I find it a struggle keeping my concentration to do the honest days work that I believe in so much. I constantly have Chapel, Pastoral Care issues, Course work (for my Lay Preacher studies), and service writing on my mind.

As my day of redundancy looms ever closer I feel less able to do the work my employer expects of me and I'm haunted by guilt.

There's only a few more days to go, then Chapel can have my full concentration without the day time job interferance. Perhaps then the dent in my self respect can repair.

I have spent seven years of my life with a pretty good employer and colleagues I've become quite fond of, most of those seven years have been enormously enjoyable. I hope my lack of enthusiasm for the work and my desire to be elsewhere, that I now feel, won't tarnish any memories for either myself or those colleagues I will shortly be leaving behind.

At the end of the day I guess this is one of those occasions where heart is definately ruling head. Roll on April 30th so that I can get both back on the same path, for my conscience tells me I am not handling this well.

Remembering Jiminy Cricket's words and the basis of Unitarian belief "Always let your conscience be your guide".

Learning to Forgive

2010-04-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

I stand in the pulpit every week and talk about forgiveness and understanding, so it seemed only right, this week to put my words into action when someone I called a friend displayed animosity and betrayal towards me in order to get their own way.

It hurt, of course it did. Perhaps I should have challenged them, or displayed the same negative attitude to them. Perhaps I shouldn’t speak to them again, turn my back and shut them out, but what would I gain?

It’s important to display the behaviour I preach to others and matching their behaviour would make my words in the pulpit meaningless, so I chose another path. I allowed myself to hurt at the same time as asking myself why. What were the circumstances that made them forfeit my friendship? Having spent several days trying to think through the whole scenario my hurt has changed to sympathy, and my friendship remains.

A few years ago, I attended a lecture where it was demonstrated how all negative actions and feelings stem from one thing ... fear. When breaking down each part of my friends behaviour, I realised there was a lot of fear in their actions, making it all the more important for me to show the love, understanding and forgiveness that I talk about so often in worship.

I realise this is a one-off, it may not always be so easy for me to keep my own emotions in check while I fumble through the hows and whys. I only hope that I never forget this experience and at least try to put it into effect every time I feel victimised or used, angry or betrayed, so that I don’t let my own fear inspire an action I will later regret.

Every human being wants and deserves love. Give it! The cost to yourself is short-lived and the rewards can be beautiful for both yourself and others.
May your God be with you.