I've always believed it right to work for an honest living, ensuring that I deal with such work reliably and responsibly. To be able to pay my own way in life through honest hard work, I believe, brings a sense of self respect which is a vital human need, however, I now find myself at a point in my working life I never expected to be.
Over the last 29 years, since leaving school, I have been in continual full time employment apart from 3 months, when I was last made redundant and took the opportunity to move from London to Manchester. I obviously had to complete the move before I found another job. Now, I find myself facing another redundancy.
The thing that makes this so much different is my desire to enter the Ministry and serve my Chapel and Congregation.
I am unable to begin Ministry training until at least September 2011 and my current employment terminates at the end of April 2010, but I already do ministerial duties as Lay Person In Charge, a post I acquired earlier in the year.
Over the last few months, my heart hasn't been in the work I'm salaried to do and I find it a struggle keeping my concentration to do the honest days work that I believe in so much. I constantly have Chapel, Pastoral Care issues, Course work (for my Lay Preacher studies), and service writing on my mind.
As my day of redundancy looms ever closer I feel less able to do the work my employer expects of me and I'm haunted by guilt.
There's only a few more days to go, then Chapel can have my full concentration without the day time job interferance. Perhaps then the dent in my self respect can repair.
I have spent seven years of my life with a pretty good employer and colleagues I've become quite fond of, most of those seven years have been enormously enjoyable. I hope my lack of enthusiasm for the work and my desire to be elsewhere, that I now feel, won't tarnish any memories for either myself or those colleagues I will shortly be leaving behind.
At the end of the day I guess this is one of those occasions where heart is definately ruling head. Roll on April 30th so that I can get both back on the same path, for my conscience tells me I am not handling this well.
Remembering Jiminy Cricket's words and the basis of Unitarian belief "Always let your conscience be your guide".
I think it is inevitable that you will be losing concentration and enthusiasm as the time you have left diminishes. There becomes less and less time for you to see the results of anything you do now, less of a challenge to try new ways to keep yourself stretched and interested.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself as you would do with anyone else in your place, and think ahead to the next part of your life as you go through the paces. I am sure that will enliven your spirit and help you to see out the last few days positively.