I've always believed it right to work for an honest living, ensuring that I deal with such work reliably and responsibly. To be able to pay my own way in life through honest hard work, I believe, brings a sense of self respect which is a vital human need, however, I now find myself at a point in my working life I never expected to be.
Over the last 29 years, since leaving school, I have been in continual full time employment apart from 3 months, when I was last made redundant and took the opportunity to move from London to Manchester. I obviously had to complete the move before I found another job. Now, I find myself facing another redundancy.
The thing that makes this so much different is my desire to enter the Ministry and serve my Chapel and Congregation.
I am unable to begin Ministry training until at least September 2011 and my current employment terminates at the end of April 2010, but I already do ministerial duties as Lay Person In Charge, a post I acquired earlier in the year.
Over the last few months, my heart hasn't been in the work I'm salaried to do and I find it a struggle keeping my concentration to do the honest days work that I believe in so much. I constantly have Chapel, Pastoral Care issues, Course work (for my Lay Preacher studies), and service writing on my mind.
As my day of redundancy looms ever closer I feel less able to do the work my employer expects of me and I'm haunted by guilt.
There's only a few more days to go, then Chapel can have my full concentration without the day time job interferance. Perhaps then the dent in my self respect can repair.
I have spent seven years of my life with a pretty good employer and colleagues I've become quite fond of, most of those seven years have been enormously enjoyable. I hope my lack of enthusiasm for the work and my desire to be elsewhere, that I now feel, won't tarnish any memories for either myself or those colleagues I will shortly be leaving behind.
At the end of the day I guess this is one of those occasions where heart is definately ruling head. Roll on April 30th so that I can get both back on the same path, for my conscience tells me I am not handling this well.
Remembering Jiminy Cricket's words and the basis of Unitarian belief "Always let your conscience be your guide".